The Last Self-Help Book You Will Ever Need

My comments are in red

You have to love yourself before you can love others.

The book presents this as narcissist.

It is and it isn't. What if we will be no good to others unless we think ourselves worthy of being in a relationship with them? Is it really that bad to be a bit of a narcissist? The notorious narcissists are going too far or they are narcissist in the wrong way.

The principle should work. What if it doesn't? Then it is not that there is a fault with the principle. It is still right and precious for it should work. It would be or could be worse without it.

If narcissism is embraced in a way that enables us to bring joy and help to others it is not to be knocked.

The dangers of high self-esteem are supposedly:

The person with high self-esteem may look down on others in order to keep feeling good.

The person with high self-esteem will be enraged should anybody or anything pose a threat this high self image. Some people are too proud to be able to endure criticism. They will bully or silence critics and be devastated at hearing the truth about themselves.

You don't need high self-esteem for these traits. They can happen with low self-esteem.

And there are some nasty traits that appear whether you have self-esteem or not. They could be happening in many cases in spite of high self-esteem.

If it is true that you need to love yourself before you can give enough love to others, it may be that these risks are not big enough or happening enough to justify jettisoning the principle. They could be seen as side-effects to be managed. And most people with high self-esteem are not obnoxious or trying to live like islands.

It is hard or near impossible to maintain self-esteem without getting regard from others. You are not seeing your value in their eyes.

And you can look down on others and fear critics without harming anybody.

And if your high self-esteem is genuine, you should not fear somebody criticising you or telling you that you are wrong. You will see it as an invite to correct something about yourself. You will see it as saying you have the self-esteem to address the problem.

The only reason to worry is if it is untrue, then it is not going to be helpful.

If you have a problem, you need to know what the problem is. If the problem is not your self-esteem, then don't drop your self-esteem when you are criticised. Find the real problem.

The book says that when somebody close to you dies, in time, it becomes harder to remember their voice and smell and exactly how they looked. The author recommends forgetting about all those things and try to experience closeness to the person's consciousness, to their core.

It seems to me that this will happen naturally and is the reason why people feel that dead people are still alive and somehow with them day and night and in their hearts. Those who have lost someone special can feel their presence. I see no reason why somebody who feels there is no life after death should. It is not about the person being somehow alive but being somehow still connected to them. It could be like a time warp. It is far better to feel connected say with a dead friend by feeling that in some way you are going shopping with her just the way you used to than it is to imagine her disembodied post death self hovering near you. It is more natural and rational and honours the memories and turns them into precious tools that can help you live your life after your loss. So drop the spiritualism and get into this psychological time warp mystery.


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