The Last Self-Help Book You Will Ever Need
My comments are in red
You have to love yourself before you can love others.
The book presents this as narcissist.
It is and it isn't. What if we will be no good to
others unless we think ourselves worthy of being in a relationship with them? Is
it really that bad to be a bit of a narcissist? The notorious narcissists are
going too far or they are narcissist in the wrong way.
The principle should work. What if it doesn't? Then it
is not that there is a fault with the principle. It is still right and precious
for it should work. It would be or could be worse without it.
If narcissism is embraced in a way that enables us to
bring joy and help to others it is not to be knocked.
The dangers of high self-esteem are supposedly:
The person with high self-esteem may look down on others in order to keep
feeling good.
The person with high self-esteem will be enraged should anybody or anything pose
a threat this high self image. Some people are too proud to be able to endure
criticism. They will bully or silence critics and be devastated at hearing the
truth about themselves.
You don't need high self-esteem for these traits. They
can happen with low self-esteem.
And there are some nasty traits that appear whether
you have self-esteem or not. They could be happening in many cases in spite of
high self-esteem.
If it is true that you need to love yourself before
you can give enough love to others, it may be that these risks are not
big enough or happening enough to justify jettisoning the principle. They could
be seen as side-effects to be managed. And most people with high self-esteem are
not obnoxious or trying to live like islands.
It is hard or near impossible to maintain self-esteem
without getting regard from others. You are not seeing your value in their eyes.
And you can look down on others and fear critics
without harming anybody.
And if your high self-esteem is genuine, you should
not fear somebody criticising you or telling you that you are wrong. You will
see it as an invite to correct something about yourself. You will see it as
saying you have the self-esteem to address the problem.
The only reason to worry is if it is untrue, then it
is not going to be helpful.
If you have a problem, you need to know what the
problem is. If the problem is not your self-esteem, then don't drop your
self-esteem when you are criticised. Find the real problem.
The book says that when somebody close to you dies, in time, it becomes harder
to remember their voice and smell and exactly how they looked. The author
recommends forgetting about all those things and try to experience closeness to
the person's consciousness, to their core.
It seems to me that this will happen naturally and is
the reason why people feel that dead people are still alive and somehow with
them day and night and in their hearts. Those who have lost someone special can
feel their presence. I see no reason why somebody who feels there is no life
after death should. It is not about the person being somehow alive but being
somehow still connected to them. It could be like a time warp. It is far better
to feel connected say with a dead friend by feeling that in some way you are
going shopping with her just the way you used to than it is to imagine her
disembodied post death self hovering near you. It is more natural and rational
and honours the memories and turns them into precious tools that can help you
live your life after your loss. So drop the spiritualism and get into this
psychological time warp mystery.