The Roman Catholic Church says that to have sex outside marriage means you are telling the person you are having sex with, “I am giving you my whole self now. This means I am giving you myself for life.” The Church says that sex is a language, it tells the person you have sex with that you give yourself to them entirely. They argue that sex is only suitable for marriage, where a man takes a woman for life as his sexual partner, for outside of marriage it is simply a lie. Sex in marriage then means that the husband is telling his wife that he belongs to nobody but her for life and vice versa.

This is simply utter rubbish.

We all know this for most of us have had sex meaning, “I give you my body entirely now.” It is your body you give in sex. And you are not giving your body to the person you have sex with forever. Even if you get married and vow to stay together you will naturally intend to separate and stop having sex if you don’t get along with your partner. To give yourself is to give your heart not your body and even then nobody says you belong to the person who you give your heart to forever. If you give your heart to another and you have sex together it is giving the heart more than having sex that involves the self-giving.

It is said that marriage involves vowing to stay together not the husband giving himself entirely to his wife or vice versa. But if that is so, you don’t need marriage for that. The Church cannot accept this view so marriage for it must mean total self-giving. Though the Church can release you from lifelong vows the Church claims it cannot release you from your marriage vows because the meaning of marriage is mutual lifelong self-giving.

Marriage in theory and practice is trying to treat the other person as your property. And that is not acceptable no matter how well you treat them or how kind you are to them. The demeaning attitude is still there underneath all the kind deeds.

If the married persons give themselves to their spouses for life, then they belong to the persons they give themselves to. But nobody belongs to anybody. People are ends in themselves. They are not property. People belong only to themselves.

The Church says sex in marriage means lifelong commitment and self-giving. Yet the Church says that our love and goodness in this life are tainted by sin and nobody is entirely good which was why Jesus said in the gospels that nobody was good but God only. So entire self-giving is an impossible ideal. Husbands and wives debate things together – does that sound like entire self-giving?

Nobody ever gives their whole selves to anybody. You might give your body and your time in sex but that is all. Are husbands who don’t feel much for their wives giving their whole selves? They are holding back and yet the Church permits their sex. As long as separation or divorce is allowed, then by having sex in marriage you are saying that you are giving yourself only as long as the other person doesn’t do something that entitles you to look for a separation or divorce! That is not giving your whole self. All faiths allow annulments. Are you giving your whole self to a woman who is your wife if you would or even might try to get the marriage annulled if it broke down? Many people looking for annulments are surprised when they get them so don’t be complacent and say that this question isn’t applicable to you!

If your wife disproves of your smoking are you giving your whole self to her? Her disapproval is preventing her from accepting you entirely. To give yourself to her is to tell her that she is accepting you entirely. It’s a lie. Also you die prematurely when you smoke. Are you giving her your whole self when you are lessening your life-span? You are taking years or months when you could be together from her.

To say that sex is saying “I give myself to you entirely and for as long as we are alive together” contradicts the marriage vows in which something similar is said. If sex says that then it follows that you are marrying when you have sex. Sex then contradicts the marriage vows because they can’t work, they can’t cause marriage – only sex can. If two unmarried people have sex they are marrying each other. It is saying that you are more married when you have sex with your bride than when you made your vows to her.

If sex means you give your whole self then why say that it means you give yourself to your partner for life? Why not eternity? Why should it just be for this life? If you really give your whole self then you give yourself forever. Like the Mormon Church, the Catholic Church should then believe in eternal marriage. To say you give your whole self to a person in sex must mean you are marrying them for all time and all eternity. The Church has the nerve to wreck lives with its teaching and yet it proves itself unable to really believe this teaching. If it really believed it, then it wouldn't be contradicting it by saying marriage ends with death!

If sex is giving your whole self to another person then how can it be right to look for a new partner or wife or husband if that person dies? To say I give myself to you until divorce if it happens is putting a condition on it as much as saying I give myself to you until you die is. It is not giving your whole self. If you give your whole self to a person you will be like the person who having lost their beloved wife or husband refuses to even think about a new partner for they loved the old partner so much. In Christianity, marriage ends only by death. What if in the future you die and are revived? If you married and wanted to marry, you could get killed in a hospital so that you can die and be brought back to life again a free man or woman. The Church couldn’t possibly deny that it succeeds in dissolving the marriage or ending it leaving you free to marry again. Some day it may be possible. In that day, people will see how silly it is to oppose divorce for this will amount to the same thing. The Church should allow divorce.

Even if this is not possible, it would be the same if it could happen – people will be wishing it could be done and if that is acceptable then these people are ending marriages in their hearts. It is just like when Jesus said that if you lust for a woman you sin in your heart with her even if you never touch her.

Sex isn’t the only way you give yourself to another person. You give yourself to your child when you get pregnant. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any more babies or that the child should stay with you instead of getting married and going away or that you should refuse to go to parties and look after your child instead. When you tell your sweetheart that you love her or him and nobody else and swear undying love are you not giving yourself in a deeper way that sex could ever signify? The closeness of that moment could be closer than sex. Don’t you see then the absurdity of the Christian doctrine that sex means you are giving yourself not just now but for life?

When you work you are giving your precious time to your employer and yourself. You could be dead next week and better off having a party instead of working and yet you work. You put the job before the thought that you could be dead and should be living it up in the meantime. Does this giving yourself mean you should work to this person until death?

You could intend a great commitment to a person through sex outside marriage and then when you get married you may feel less committed. Marriage can change relationships. To say that unenthusiastic and unloving sex in marriage is good for it promises and signifies lifelong commitment and that sex between two unmarried people who are really into each other and are soul mates should but does not just because they are not married and so is a lie, is just bigoted cruel insulting nonsense. It is really just saying that there is no honest commitment without a simple ceremony. Did you know that you are insincere when you take out a loan wearing white shoes?

If sex outside marriage is lying to the sexual partner that he or she is the one for life as the Church says then sex within marriage when one of you believe in divorce is also lying. Why? For the marriage could end in divorce and the sex is not saying, “I take you for life no matter how bad things get”, but, “I take you for life but if things get too bad we will get divorced”.

How far must a man and woman go before their sex is saying, “I take you for life”? Does oral sex say that? Anal sex? Heavy petting? Foreplay? Masturbation? Is ejaculation necessary? Can you see how saying sex says that confines people to a silly biological morality in which it is physics that count more than feelings and intentions?

Casual sex with precautions can be harmless.  Sex with committment is a good thing and you do not need marriage for that.


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