Assess the behaviour of others but do not judge it

Assessing is a morally neutral way of looking at people. Judging is about criticising a person for not fitting our standard of morality and not being what we think they should be. It risks leading to hate - hate is when you refuse to be good to another person because of what they are or what they have done. It can be simmering hate in its own right.

When somebody does something you have to assess it. But you do not have to judge it. The difference is that assessing is about what something is. It is not about it being good or bad. Assessing is not about how we think things should be. Judging is about how we think things should be.

Some think that thinking what another should do is fine if it is based on the thought that you would like to see the person do what is best for them. But you and they think differently. They might disagree. So respect that.

Healing the hurt done to you by others

Suggestions for healing include forgiving, mourning what the person has done and confrontation.

Forgiving means judging the person as having done bad or being bad and being good to them anyway.

Letting go of ill feelings and anger towards another person is healthy and sets you free. That is not forgiveness. It is emotional healing. It is releasing it. There is no obligation to release it. You have to let it happen at its own pace. Making it into a law or rule will not help but hinder. You cannot force yourself to heal and by trying to you only make things worse. Just allow, don’t force.

We oppose anybody who says we have a duty to forgive. We do not. It is for me to decide if it is my duty not God or anybody else. Duty however is not necessary or relevant. Mourning what a person has done to you instead of forgiving may help. Mourning takes care not to make the pain worse but involves seeing the pain so that you may end up stronger than it. You work through the pain and either live with it or overcome it.

Forgiving is fine as long as you do it without being told or commanded and do it out of generosity.

Many find confrontation helpful.

The power of your thoughts

If a thought is too negative, it becomes dangerous if you think it could be true or worse, that it is true. To say you have to disgorge it is to give it power. You are telling yourself that it is probably right and that you must resist it for that reason. So you are believing what it says. Going to war against it will not help and will only add to your fears and distress and frustration.

Do not push out a negative thought and replace it with a positive one. See if it has a point. Otherwise explain to it why it is wrong. Always be thankful for the negative thought. Remember you are simply thanking how your thoughts are trying to warn and protect you. You are thanking you.

It is best to find yourself in an optimistic state through not really trying than to keep trying to get an optimistic attitude and keep it. The problem with trying is that it shows you are trying to convince yourself against your will. You feel reality is against your optimism. You feel it is nonsense or half-nonsense.

We need to realise that problems like feeling down and feeling ill only happen so that we may find a way not to make the best of it but to try to make the best of it.

Be optimistic yes but cautiously so.


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